


They Say Love Is A Battlefield

by ArwenaminMaeleth



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom, Tom Hiddleston RPF
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert, mentions of suicide and self harm, trigger warning, trigger warning applies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 04:56:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17636345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArwenaminMaeleth/pseuds/ArwenaminMaeleth
Summary: When she can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel, what is Tom meant to do?





	They Say Love Is A Battlefield

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning (Please Read):  
> This piece features mentions of suicide, self-harm and depression. There is brief mentions of violence. (This is light and brief but I am putting it here just to warn you.)

She stared off in to space. Not thinking. Not feeling. Just being. When they said that the eyes were windows to the soul, those looking in would see nothing. Just darkness. If she could put that feeling in to words, she would say it felt…heavy. She felt as though all the weight of the world was resting on her shoulders, but all at the same time she felt nothing at all.

Her fingers played with the hem of her shirt, absentmindedly picking at it, pulling at the fraying fibres. The clock ticked, one second a little louder than the last, bringing her out of her trance. Turning her head slowly, she looked to the offending item that dared to make a sound. Her face would not give away the anger, the sadness, and the pain that was going through her mind. _Stupid clock._

_Is it over yet?_

_Is the day over, the week or the year? Is life?_

She asked the universal eight-ball a string of questions which she found herself asking almost daily. Was life done with her yet? Tired and drained of all will to care anymore, she pulled herself up from the sofa. Feet shuffling across the floor, from the lazy attempt to walk away, she moved from one room to another. There was no particular reason for her to be in either room; she just wanted to move, to remind herself that she was in fact - still there.  

Subconsciously she chose the kitchen. It just felt like the right thing to do. Whatever that was. She didn’t know. She never really knew. There wasn’t much she was entirely sure of anymore. With events and all aspects of her life blurring in to one large excuse for existence, she struggled to tell one thing from another.

She stood and stared, blankly, out of the window. She wasn’t really looking outside instead using the window to stare at her faint reflection. Fascinated, she noticed that the woman staring back at her looked exactly as she did; but she was distant. She wasn’t really there.  
  
So lost was she to her own emptiness, she didn’t hear the door click shut; the home welcoming someone in. The lights, turned on, lit up the hall, casting a glow of white in to the dark kitchen. The light kissed her frame, bringing out of the shadows only parts of her that it dared to reach. The light then faded when a tall figure stood in its way. Lucky for her, he kept the lights off, not wanting to startle her.  
  
“(Y/n), is everything okay?” Tom asked but felt it was unnecessary. He already knew the answer.   
  
“I was just making a coffee.” She lied.

He looked over to the kettle. It was unplugged. There was also no sign of a cup, out and ready to make the hot beverage she claimed to be wanting. He wasn’t sure what to say. Should he call her out on the fact that the kettle was unplugged or, should he just ignore her blatant lie?

Tom knew her too well. Well enough to know that coming home to find her, in complete darkness, a glazed look in her eyes meant she was far from okay. It was a rare occasion to see her in such a state, but it was still worrying, nonetheless.   
  
“Do you want to come upstairs, we’ll get showered and ready for bed?” He tried to bring her out of the kitchen. The room was cold and dark. He wanted to get her in to a room where he knew she felt safe. Usually the bedroom would be where he could make her see that everything was going to be okay. Maybe not in the long run, but for the rest of the evening at least. He was home now, and he wasn’t going to leave her.   
  
Whenever she experienced such a day, Tom took careful steps not to startle her. At the beginning, he would always force her to see sense; he would drag her out of her self-hatred and make her smile. Over time he came to learn that it was not always the best way. Instead, he had to take it slow; take it easy. He learned that is was best to never make her do something she was not ready to do, and he didn’t want to force her either.   
  
“No.” She shook her head, bowing low, just a little. Her hair fell over her face, hiding her from the rest of the world. “I don’t want to do anything.” _I just want to die._  
  
“Okay, well at least let me put the light on. I don’t want you to step on something or bump in to anything.” He waited, looking careful through the dark for her nod of approval, though he waited in vain. The nod never came.  
  
All of a sudden, alarm bells rang in his head. She stood still. Dead still. Barely moving at all. She was not screaming, crying, or showing any sign of emotional struggle at all. Her silence was what scared him the most. Usually, after a little coercion she would slowly warm to him and follow him to their room. Not this time. This time she just stared at the floor, no doubt counting each tile that lay beneath her feet.   
  
“(Y/n), Please?”   
  
“Just go. I’ll be fine. I just want to make a coffee.” She brushed him off.   
  
“(Y/n)…”   
  
“Why can’t you just leave me be?!” She snapped, screaming at him suddenly. “Why must you always try and save me!?”   
  
“Because I love you.” His answer was simple but true. He loved her to no end and would do anything to help her, even if it meant bearing the brunt of her pain.

“If you loved me, you would let me go! Yet, here I am!” She was slowly getting riled, her anger taking form in her harsh words. Head up, but still avoiding his broken stare, she spoke to his reflection staring back at her in the window, hands gripping on to the edge of the counter top, holding on tight.  
  
“I’m not letting you go anywhere! You can fight this! Just try, please? For me?” His tears were evident, showing themselves through the wavering in his voice. He could hardly speak, for fear of breaking, but he needed to be strong for them both.

She had never shouted at him before, not ever. It was what scared Tom the most. Not because she had raised her voice at him, but because of the words she screamed.

“I don’t want to fight, not anymore.” Her voice dropped back to a slight whisper, barely audible over the hum of her heartbeat, beating dangerously quick. “I’m done. I just want it all to be over.”  
  
Tom took a careful step forward, hoping she would stay still, just as she was. His eyes flickered across every counter in the kitchen, making sure there was nothing within her reach that could cause her harm.   
  
“I can’t keep doing this! I can’t keep living when all I feel is pain.” She wanted so badly to cry, but it just wouldn’t come to her. No tears, no tight feeling in her chest.  _Nothing._  
  
“Why do I feel everything all at once, but then nothing all at the same time? Why?!”   
  
He didn’t answer her. He couldn’t. He couldn’t tell her that what she is feeling was just a phase; that tomorrow she would wake up and it would be as if it never happened. He couldn’t lie to her.   
  
Finally, she turned to face him. Scared. She looked at him and felt nothing. The man she loved stood right before her, his eyes filled with pain, and she couldn’t bring herself to tell him it was okay. When he fought hard to stay strong to help her, she struggled to give the same back to him. It was him that needed her, to stay, to live; to say that she would be okay. She wasn’t.   
  
“I’m so sorry, Tom. I-I can’t stay.”  
  
“You have to!!” His own pain turned to anger; at her refusal to fight. “You have to stay here because I need you!”  
  
“You don’t need this! You don’t need to play the carer when you should be my partner!” She made her point clear. “You shouldn’t have to learn how to take care of me, to make sure I am okay; putting my feelings before yours just so that I stay. It’s not fair.”  
  
“I don’t care. I would do all of that and more to have you by my side.” His voice broke, just as his heart was breaking. “I love you, (Y/n). I would do anything for you.”  
  
“For how long?”

“What do you mean?”

“How long are you going to put up with this? How long will it be before you realise that it is just too much?”  
  
“It will never be too much.”  
  
“Don’t be a fool. We both know that it will come to a point where you won’t be able to fight for us anymore.”   
  
Tom shook his head. He refused to let her give up, to put words in to his mouth and decide for him how he should feel. He wiped at his eyes, preparing for another battle, a battle for her life; for his too.

“You don’t get to decide how I may or may not feel today, tomorrow or any day.” He stood his ground, facing her head on. “You will not push me away!”  
  
“I can, and I will! It’s for your own good!” She straightened her spine, determined. If she was going to go through with anything, she was going to save him. She was going to save him from having to see her fall apart. She was going to make him see that he would one day be better off without her.   
  
“Please. Leave.”   
  
“No, I’m not going. I’m staying here, with you.”  
  
“Stop this! If you don’t go, then I will. Then you will never see me again!”  
  
Tom moved back a step to stand in the door way, blocking her path out of the kitchen. His stance matched hers, his spine steeled, and feet set shoulders width apart. Just as she was determined to push him away, to leave, he was determined to stay, to make her see that she was not alone; no matter how much she pushed.  
  
“Move.”   
  
“No.”  
  
She stepped forward, putting her hands on his chest and with as much force as she could possibly muster, she pushed; trying to get out, to move him out of the way. It was hopeless. He was not moving. She tried and tried again, hands balled in to fists, batting at his chest. She fought hard against him, begging for him to end her suffering. Her tears, those she had wished for moments ago, finally fell; streaming down her face without a care. She cried the hardest she had in a long time. She screamed at him, angry that he wouldn’t let her have her way.

He stood still, taking the pain of each hit, letting her tire herself out. It hurt him, to let her fall apart as she was, screaming for her life to end. He wanted so badly to wrap his arms around her and to tell her that it was all okay; to ease her pain but he knew he had to let her ride it out. He had to let her scream, cry and fight even if it hurt him physically and mentally.

After minutes had passed her forceful beating against his chest faltered to a half-hearted push. She was tired, inside and out, her breathing ragged from the assertion of her anger. Her screams turned in to quiet sobs. Her body fell against his, drained and in need of comfort. Finally, Tom felt as though he could hold her, pulling her close in to his body and wrapping her up in the safety of his arms. As soon as she felt cocooned in his embrace, she gripped tightly onto the thick jumper, allowing the material to soak up her tears.

The weight of the emotion brought them both to the floor, sitting down on the cold kitchen tiles. Still in his arms, he moved her so that she was now curled up on his lap, a gentle kiss falling on to the top of her head. He soothed her, hands rubbing small circles on the small of her back. (Y/n) clung to him, allowing him to hold her, to take care of her. Even though her tears had subsided, she failed to notice his own falling heavily on to the strands of her hair, as he rested his cheek upon her head.

Worn out, she slowly succumbed to the sleep her body was craving, sinking in to the warmth of his body. Feeling her relax, hearing her breathing slow, he realised she was falling asleep. Careful as he could possibly be, whilst she was still half with the world, he moved them both. Standing up he brought her with him, picking her up in his arms once he was sure he was steady. Cradling her gently, he brought her sleeping form to bed where he made sure she was comfortable and warm.  
  
Her head upon the pillow, hair fanning out like a halo around her, she was lost to the world. Quietly he sat beside her, carefully allowing his fingers to run through her hair. The night had taken so much out of them both. The evening’s events had also helped him to realise the level of strength that he had within him; to not walk away and to bare the horror that he had seen. Never before had he been in the situation of seeing the one he loved completely fall apart, to the point where she wanted to die. For death to take away her pain. Never had he heard such screams, begging him to end her suffering.

It would be forever etched in his mind, the way he saw her that evening but instead of blaming her, holding her actions and her words against her, he used it to learn. He learned to love her more, to love her better, if that was even possible. He taught himself to value her, no matter what emotional state she was in. It helped him to realise that, no matter what, he would give everything he had to keep her safe.   
  
She stirred a little, her hand seeking his in her sleep. He took the hand she offered and laced their fingers together. He watched her as she seemed set in a peaceful slumber, the worry and pain of the day nowhere to be seen. He knew that it wasn’t over; that she had a long road ahead of her. He wouldn’t call it recovery, because he knew that it was not as simple as the way one would get over a cold. The mind was a torturous place. It would play her emotions against her, making her believe she was okay to then pull the carpet from beneath her feet; reminding her that she was, in fact, not okay.

Whatever it was she had to do - they had to do, they would do it together because the love he bore for her was too much to let her go; to let her experience such pain again.

Tiredness took over as he too finally gave in to the sleep he needed so much. Not bothering to get undressed he lay down and made himself comfortable. Under the covers he pulled her close, wrapping her once again in his arms. Placing a loving kiss upon her forehead he whispered, ‘I love you’, before sinking away in to the night, getting some much-needed rest so that he may face the day tomorrow; with renewed strength, new hope and more love – for them both.


End file.
